This is going to end up being a book review, I promise, but starts off as a sort of friend review!!!
I’m lucky to have a rich tapestry of friends (and I can’t wait to celebrate my half century with lots of them next year) – and I’ve collected them over my 5 decades from lots of different places! I met ‘A’ about 14 years ago through work, but she is now firmly one of my ‘ride or die’s. We are very different (she’s far younger and trendier than me!) and we have different views on lots of things – but we always discuss things in a respectful way (which is pretty bloody unusual in this day and age of polarised opinions being shouted about on social media!) She has been super helpful for me in my use of language. And to paraphrase the great Kathy Burke, this is not so I can be considered ‘woke’ but so I can be considered less of an ‘ignorant f*cking tw*t’! Initially this was over the use of the word ‘normal’ – and now I’m all for a coffee with dairy milk after your vaginal birth. (Although I have still been known to ask ‘A’ ‘what w*nky milk are you drinking at the moment?’!) More recently it’s been language over physical and mental disabilities, and even the use of the word disability to describe deafness and ADHD. It’s a minefield – and often even people within one community can have really differing views on the language they personally prefer – but I think if you’re trying to be fair and sensible and understanding – then you’re on the right path.
‘A’ has had an adult diagnosis of ADHD which she writes about eloquently on her own blog – and this, along with other evidence, has lead me to suspect certain of my close family members should possibly seek a diagnosis too. Now this is not in a ‘everyone is a bit on the spectrum / they’re a bit OCD’ way. That is something else I’ve been educated about. The thing that has stuck with me is the pregnancy analogy. You can have swollen ankles, a bad back and piles without being ‘on the pregnancy spectrum / a little bit pregnant’ – showing you can share symptoms with something without actually having the diagnosis. I personally think the ‘everyone’s a bit autistic’ type of language diminishes the issues people living with actual neurodiversity face.
Anyway – finally on to the book! I was lucky enough to receive a copy of this from ‘A’ through the post as she thought I might find it helpful. With retrospect, the timing was pretty perfect, arriving in the week of A level results. Here’s the blurb:
“Do you feel crippling shame because you struggle with cleaning, personal hygiene, or time-keeping? Do you always feel misunderstood by the people close to you and find that they get frustrated by your behaviour?
DIRTY LAUNDRY is an unfiltered look into the chaos of real life with ADHD. It will transform your self-hatred into self-acceptance, with simple tips that actually work for your brain. It will also help to educate partners, parents and friends, to help them move from frustration to patience, understanding – and love.
Learn how to:
– Stop believing you are fundamentally broken
– Stop judging yourself by the standards of a neurotypical world
– Communicate your struggles to those who love you
– Support someone with ADHD in ways that work for them
– Be compassionate rather than judgemental …and much more.
From the husband-and-wife team behind social media phenomenon @ADHD_Love, whose viral videos have been viewed more than 200 million times, comes a fearless, often outrageously funny, account of life, learning, and growing with ADHD. They share the strategies they have used to reduce shame, improve communication, and find happiness in their neurodivergent household.
Filled with heartbreak and humour in equal measure, DIRTY LAUNDRY is an invaluable resource both for neurodivergents and the people who love them.”
This is not a medical journal or a work of literary genius – but it’s a really accessible insight into a couple where one has ADHD and one is neuro typical. Not all of the chapters are going to be relevant to everyone – and definitely aren’t for us as a family – but lots of them are.
It’s written in a chatty style about Rox’s personal lived experience of different issues over the years, how she best deals with them now she’s got the support of Rich – and how you can help yourself or the ADHDer that you love.
The whole advice about treating people with more compassion is my major take away from this book – and something I will really try to practice! (I just wrote and then deleted a massive list of the things I am going to try and be more compassionate about – but you don’t really need to know that!)
Also I’d never before considered the pretty basic fact that your beloved ADHDer is not trying to deliberately wind you up by their behaviours such as losing things or being late – it’s just that their brain is wired differently. I need to keep reminding myself of this. Frequently.
I think this is a perfect ‘gateway’ book – based on anecdotal stories – if you’re looking to research more about ADHD for yourself or someone else in your life. I also know that ‘A’ has found it super helpful for herself as both an ADHDer – but also for supporting the other ADHDers in her life. I’m super grateful she sent me a copy – and I wanted to write this review, as I can think of many other friends for whom it could be helpful.
I’ve just given the book to my 18 year old to read, who has said ‘do I need to bother reading the introduction?’………….. #tellmeyouhaveADHDwithouttellingmeyouhaveADHD
This Price is Usually Right 