I have been a listener to the Parenting Hell podcast since it started way back in lockdown – so I feel like I ‘know’ Lou Beckett already. In fact my review of the Parenting Hell book by her husband Rob and Josh Widdicombe turned into a bit of a Lou Beckett appreciation post! So when I heard she’d written her first book (and having enjoyed the chapter she’d written for the Parenting Hell book and a longform blog post that went viral), I was looking forward to reading it – and then was super grateful to be granted an advance review copy by Net Galley. Here’s the blurb:

“What nobody tells you about parenthood, from one of the ‘silent partners’ behind the Parenting Hell podcast.
School-run coordinator, party planner, clubs organiser, laundry sorter… and maybe even a ‘real’ job on top! Sound exhaustingly familiar?
From assumptions surrounding who is going to stay at home with the kids to the never-ending list of school admin, being ‘the default parent’ rears its head in a plethora of ways.
This book is for all the defaults out there – bored out of their eyeballs or so overwhelmed they could scream expletives into the wind for a solid hour – to know their invisible labour is seen and valued.
With heartfelt and hilarious advice, Lou Beckett provides much-needed comfort and community for the one who is depended on the most (and often feels appreciated the least), and maybe – just maybe – how we can begin to rebalance the parenting scales and muddle through a little better, together.”

Now I’ve been a default parent for almost 23 years – so this was not telling me anything I didn’t already know – but it did give me vindication for what we’ve experienced as a family! Lou writes incredibly eloquently – and her findings are backed up by research and data which is always reassuring. She is witty, intelligent and occasionally a bit sweary – perfect Mum-friend material I’d say!

Lou talks about her own experiences with Rob and their girls – but also tries to be inclusive of other situations. She does admit that ‘generally’ the default parent is the mother rather than the father. This was highlighted to me recently when the NHS sent text messages about Year 9 vaccinations to the ‘primary contact’ on the school’s records. to everyone in my youngest daughter’s year. In most instances this seemed to be based on historic gender roles for school forms (and possibly because it’s an ancient fee paying school who are quite ‘traditional’) and was the father. My husband, like many others it would appear, had assumed that the message had gone to both parents and so I would deal with it and he could ignore it! Thankfully one husband clarified that with his wife – who hadn’t received the text message – and the school year WhatsApp group unravelled what had happened, and the ‘default family administrators and form fillers’ – who in 95% of the cases were the mothers – got on with registering their children for the jabs. In that instance – as well as with Lou’s anecdotes – it does help you realise you’re not alone!!

I think this would be a perfect book if you’re just starting a family and want to set down some ground rules right from the beginning. I’m also reading it in the capacity as a new grandmother. Due to circumstances are eldest daughter finds herself the sole parent – and thus by default (pun most definitely intended, just as Lou does in the book!) – the default parent to our gorgeous grandson. She has the support of me, her Dad and siblings – but it is completely different dynamic for her than a standard default and non-default parent relationship – and it’s made me think about how we can help her more.

Rob has a right of reply chapter at the end – and I think a lot of what he says would be fairly common for the non-default. I think communication is key for everyone – your partner is unlikely to be psychic! I also believe it is incredibly true where Lou talks about letting the non-default do things their way when you have agreed how tasks are to be shared out. It’s taken me a long time – but I’m getting better at not commenting when the dishwasher hasn’t been stacked as I would (some might say hasn’t been stacked ‘properly’?!)

As Lou said on Saturday Kitchen yesterday (I was v proud of her being on live TV with Rob – not sure if that would feel like a security blanket or more of a liability?!) it’s not a manual – but it does most definitely give you food for thought and realise you’re not alone. I think it would be a perfect gift to a pregnant couple or new parents (I believe it’s going to be in ‘Don’t Buy Her Flowers‘ gift boxes – so that’s a present pairing made in heaven!!)

A huge thank you to Net Galley and the publishers for my ARC, it’s out later this month.