Stacey Heale first hit my radar when she was a guest on the Don’t Buy Her Flowers podcast talking about grief. A friend had recently died – and I found the podcast really powerful – and immediately sent it to my friend’s equally young widow for when she felt ready to listen to it. I’ve subsequently followed Stacey on social media where she’s shared much of her life – and that of her fabulous daughters – as they navigate their lives (and hair colour and footwear!)

I’ve recently become a ‘DBHFer’ – having been a customer of Don’t Buy Her Flowers since it started (I waxed lyrical about them 9 years ago on this blog!) Being a DBHFer is essentially being an ambassador and in a kind of ‘focus group’ for the brand (if only all focus groups involved #gifted gin and chocolate!) and as Stacey’s book is now available in Don’t Buy Her Flowers packages, they asked if I’d like to receive a #gifted copy in return for an honest review. Given the title has a very similar vibe to the concept of Don’t Buy Her Flowers – it does seem like it will be a great fit.

Here is the blurb for the book:

“When Stacey Heale’s husband, Greg, was diagnosed with incurable cancer on their daughter’s first birthday, everything changed. She quickly realised how little is spoken about what the harder times in our lives really look like, leaving us lost to navigate the unknown alone.
Confronted with a new life she was not prepared for, Stacey began to untangle the brutal realities of life and death – and the fundamental differences between our expectations and reality.
Now is Not the Time for Flowers is Stacey’s unflinchingly beautiful and raw memoir that addresses the big conversations that imminent death dictates, boldly taking the reader on a journey through the full spectrum of our lives and their complexities. Told through vignettes of her own life and the death of her husband, Stacey offers a movingly honest, insightful and humorous account of modern womanhood through the lenses of love, desire, motherhood, death, grief, identity, personal growth and the challenges and questions that our lives force upon us.
Now is Not the Time for Flowers is a powerful call to arms for us to discuss the messy and unexpected truths of our nuanced lives.”

Stacey says at the start that her debut book is not a guidebook for death, but is her own experience.  It’s been driven by her husband dying and leaving her a young widow with two small daughters, but it is much more than just about Greg’s diagnosis and death.  Stacey talks honestly and frankly about this, but also other aspects of her life and loves. 

It is not written in a strict chronological order – but is instead grouped into chapters within specific topics – love, desire, mother, bodies, death, grief, identity and growth. The chapters are different lengths and have really interesting titles. It feels like Stacey is talking to you in a very personal way rather than regurgitating a story from start to finish.

It’s definitely not all doom and gloom – it’s funny, entertaining, thought provoking – making you think about things you might not ever have considered before but will affect us all at some point.  It’s also incredibly well written – Stacey is an excellent communicator on her Instagram – and her writing is equally as eloquent. And yes, of course, it made me cry.

Different elements of the book will be relevant to different people at different times in their lives. It’s definitely the sort of book you could go back to and read again and find something new. One thing that has stuck with me is the comment ‘There are no medals at the Shit Olympics’ – and that people go through awful, awful things all the time. Some years ago I remember a friend, who had recently lost his wife to breast cancer, discussing another friend whose 11 year old son had just died from a brain tumour and him saying ‘I just can’t imagine what they’re going through’, whilst I’m thinking ‘I just can’t imagine what both families have been through’.

I obviously hope that lots of the book won’t be relevant to me personally for years and that my husband lives a long and healthy life – and in that way, reading this book reminded me of when I did a paediatric first aid qualification when my eldest kids were much younger. The theory back then being that even if I was an emotional wreck if one of my own children was injured – there might be a time when I needed to be the slightly emotionally removed responsible adult for someone else’s child in an emergency. In the same way – as well as making me ruminate about my own life and loves – I think this book will also help me be far more aware of how to be a support if someone I know is going through the terminal diagnosis or death of a loved one.

Now Is Not The Time For Flowers was released on 28 March 2024 – and is now available in Don’t Buy Her Flowers gift packages too – I can highly recommend Montezuma chocolate to accompany it (thanks DBHF HQ!)